Getting out of bed for one.
Not cool.
I’m just up and it’s midday. I keep telling myself, don’t think about it girl, just put your feet on the floor and straighten them knees up, but as I always over think everything I’m still waiting for that to work.
And then, when I’m finally up and remarkably find myself in the shower, I’m even more fed up because then I’m all wet and can’t be bothered to get out.
Also what’s not been happening is getting out and about in the real world, although that’s never bothered me much. Once I’m out it’s like, wow, so this is what civilization looks like, but once the initial surprise is over that’s it really.
And the blog.
What can I say, except that’s it exactly.
What can I say?
I’m boring myself to death in a dense pit of gunk so why bring everyone else down?
But every so often I feel that I need to at least write something. It’s like we had this thing going on and I’ve just walked off and not looked back.
I do think about everyone.
As I dragged myself through the post shower drying process this morning I even thought how nice it would be to go to Peru with Gale and eat guinea pigs! But then I thought of poor Guiness and how he’d be turning over in his little grave at the thought and how thankful he must be that he just died of a respiratory infection and not because he had been roasted alive in some charcoal pit in South America.
It’s nice to travel, but I guess you have to think about these things…
And I’m really worried about Cecilia all alone in South Africa going off on those safaris. Haven’t heard from her in ages.
So that’s me.
Still here.
Still crying over dad.
I mean, not always, but just enough sadness to suddenly be brought up short and go through the whole thing again in my head. You know, like how he had just fallen over and wasn’t really dead at all, but then they went ahead and cremated him anyway, even though he had three weeks in between where he could have jumped up and shouted ‘surprise’, so in actual fact the crematorium killed him and it all could have been prevented.
You know, the normal thoughts…
Well normal if you’ve got this low lying depression going on with a touch, just a touch, of psychosis.
I have been getting into the studio as some of you might already know because of Instagram. I’ve also had a few custom orders which always surprises me, and have sold quite a lot really. So that’s nice. It just takes me longer and longer to get in there.
I’m going in there after this although really I just want to sit on the sofa and close my eyes.
Grief is an awful thing, and guilt, because my sister is left in England finishing up all of the paper work and what else is required when someone dies.
And she still has dad under the stairs although she says that’s o.k. as she lets him know the soccer results every time she needs to get the vacuum out.
So just in case I’ve managed to bring anyone down into my gunk pit here’s one of my favourite Christmas jokes to cheer you up.
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See you next time.
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I’m really at a loss in a situation like this… It was great to see a post from you in my inbox and the part where you said your sis updates the soccer scores for Dad when she gets the vacuum out had me laughing! LOVED the video! Take care!
🙂
Ah, Deborah, i get a touch of the blues, but i worry about you cause you seem to be hit
pretty hard this time. Have you been talking to anyone? My therapist pulled me out of the drain about 3 years ago. It really helped. I hope you feel better soon. Hugs,
I’ve always been prone so I think I’m doing pretty well really 🙂 I forgot about the charms. I’ll look for them now.
So sorry to hear you are suffering so much. I look forward to seeing more of your beautiful creations very soon!
Thanks Sandy 🙂
Oh, man, I miss the Vicar of Dibley…..
As for the guinea pig in Peru, it was over-salted this time. And only done in a frying pan. And I was still home in bed, like you, when the husband was forced to eat it… I’m having a bit of trouble myself going past the front door since I, too, became an orphan. So late in life! I suppose it would have been harder earlier in life, but that doesn’t stop me from moaning that I won’t even be able to make tira misu for Christmas because my mom isn’t here to eat it with me–the only thing she liked that I cooked. So.
We’ll get over it.
Really.
Eventually.
😉
So sorry to hear you are caught in the emotional molasses! I cannot imagine the hole in the heart that is left when a beloved parent passes on. My father died some time ago but I was not really close to him, but I can’t bear to think of my mother passing. I am already in denial about her supposed mortality–I can’t imagine how my life would continue if she died. I imagine it takes a very long time for the heart and mind to regain their resilience, and everybody responds to such a loss differently. I think you should keep cutting yourself plenty of slack–if you need to linger in the shower, do it! (Hell, you’re bathing and that’s a triumph sometimes!) I don’t know you, obviously, but from what I read here you seem such a creative and energetic soul in your unwounded state, with such a great sense of humor and wonder, it seems unlikely to me you will be caught forever in this depressed grief state. Having been through lesser griefs, it seems to me the up and down is normal (like a terrible kind of interval training)–horrible, better, horrible, better, and then the horrible periods are not as intense or as long, and the better periods are longer and lighter. I think it’s good to reach out too–I’m an inveterate sufferer-in-silence and there were so many times my burden could have been lighter had I just called up a friend. It sounds like you have good people resources who love you and I hope that you are using them. (And I also appreciated the soccer-updates-under the stairs imagery!)
I just finished telling Gale that I’m not too worried as it’s a normal process that everyone goes through at some point, but it does begin to get you down at times and we’ve just sold dad’s house so I’m sure it’s that. I’m really, really looking forward to the new year. It will be good to ‘start over’. New Years is always my favourite time anyway, just so promising. I do sometimes think that I’ll never get over him going, but you can’t think like that, even though I sometimes don’t want to you have to move on 🙁
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time… I loved the video. Take care
I know, it’s a good one isn’t it 🙂 Typical English humour lol
Hi Deborah, so imagine my surprise when I opened your blog this morning and see that you have been worried about me! Yes, we have been away a lot this year, but not enough to give me an excuse for not commenting on your blogs. Sometimes I only caught up with them long after you had written them and I was hoping you are feeling better already , and sometimes I just did not know what to say! I am sad to see that you are so struggling to come to terms with the passing of your dad, and it seems to me that that is what pushed you over the edge into your current state of depression. I cannot myself pretend to know what you are going through, but my daughter, who is 27 years old now, has been suffering from “melancholy”, as our GP called it, or depression as we call it, since she was very young. After a few tries, we were lucky enough to find an excellent psychologist with whom she has a wonderful rapport, and she has been seeing him regularly ever since. He has been her saving grace, and he also helped to put her onto the correct antidepressive medication, and today she is a happy, successful and well balanced young woman. So if you have not done so already, please try this. Secondly, if you want to travel, I can recommend a safari to Southern Africa. There is nothing on this earth that can make you so aware of our beautiful planet, and how insignificant we are as human beings than to experience the beauty of nature and in particular Africa. It is really food for the soul, and it will be a lifechanging experience. There are many different types of safaris available, but I suggest you use a reputable safari operator so that you can be sure that it is a enjoyable experience and that you do not have to worry about anything. If you decide to do this and need advice about any of the safaris, or just want to chat, please email me directly. I would love to talk some more!
Life is not simple or easy for anyone in the world these days, I have been following your political woes in the US with interest, as I have both a brother and sister living there. But here in SA we have even bigger problems in our political systems, and we often can just shake our heads and laugh about it. Very similar to what is going on in your country. I have to say, for someone who has been feeling very down lately, your work has been absolutely fabulous. You did one pendant with 2 blue stones (I could not find the names) and uneven oxidized bezels, that I absolutely loved! Maybe you are similar to those painters who do their best work when they are tortured souls! Hope you are doing better soon, lots of hugs, Cecilia
Ha Cecilia, there you are! Glad you’re still around 😉
I have this habit of picking a place to live, call it escapism, and looking for houses. I chose South Africa last time. It’s absolutely beautiful. As I’m in my own little fantasy land, I look through the Southerby’s site which admittedly does show the creme de la creme, but wow. Especially some of the coast line. I know that doesn’t compensate for economic struggles, but it’s lovely.
I’ve always struggled with depression, so I guess it’s going to always come and go. I would be more worried if I wasn’t affected by dad’s death. I feel for your daughter, my middle one suffered from severe anxiety, probably picked up from her mum :/, but has found the meds to help her and she now has a job, boyfriend and seems to be doing well. Life is a little hard sometimes.