I don’t do New year’s resolutions because they make me anxious and I just feel set up for failure.
I prefer to call them good intentions.
To be honest I have a lot of good intentions throughout the year which I often fall short on, but it always feels on-going for me. Like I haven’t lost my last chance of doing well on the test.
I love the potential of the New Year. It makes me feel hopeful. A fresh start to clear the way. and in many ways I prefer it to Christmas.
Just don’t tell Santa.
It makes my head feel lighter like it does when I have my hair cut. Granted my hair is pretty short, but that extra couple of millimeters really bring me down. God knows what I’m going to do this week as my appointment isn’t until the 9th and I can already feel it creeping down toward my knees…
So here we are again and my whole life is opened up before me. What will I do with it all because at 58 I’m really beginning to feel an urge to get going on my life plan.
Depression gets in the way of life plans.
I suffer with depression.
It takes away my umph and makes the sofa a thing of beauty.
In the short time (or sometimes long time) it takes me to wake up and get up I can have gone from being excited to make something or do something to knowing that there’s no point.
It’s like I’ve done it already in my head so why bother.
I share this for those of you who suffer also so that you know you’re not alone, because sometimes it makes me feel ridiculous. As though I make it up and that, of course, I can snap myself out of it.
An interesting thing, however, happened to me a couple of months back. I was having lunch with an old friend and she mentioned that she didn’t think that she had ever been depressed. That she felt down at times and fed up, but that she didn’t think that she ever had been really depressed. It took me by surprise as I really thought that everyone was depressed. That it was just a symptom of life. So maybe ‘snapping out of it’ for me is different than for her.
Just a thought.
Anyway, that said, I do feel excited for the new year.
I do have lots of good intentions and I’m ready to see where they take me.
Most of them involve creativity, but a few important ones involve moving onwards and upwards with my attitude toward myself. Those mostly regarding the negative thoughts that don’t just creep in as I always thought, but that live constantly with me.
Damn them.
So.
I have paintings to finish.
I have jewelry to develop.
I have books to work on.
(I love writing my books. It’s my happy place which is probably why I avoid it.)
I have good food to make.
I have less wine to drink.
I have more smiling to do.
(That’s almost as good as a haircut)
I have books to read.
I have getting out of bed as soon as I wake up to do.
I have more arguing with the Texas humidity to do so that I can take a walk more often.
Might have to give that one up and get the tread mill out.
?
I have getting a better attitude toward the tread mill to work on.
And I have the Noble Peace Price to attain.
(This is probably just an interesting pshycological consequence of being told I’d never amount to anything, but I’m just going to go with it. Can’t hurt.)
I could go on, but don’t want to get myself too excited that I have to lie down again.
The struggle is real…
So I’ll leave you all with a little lovely something that happened last night.
A grandson from one daughter and a wedding from the other.
What’s not to like.
Now we just have to figure out what to do with the boy…
Wishing you all a good year.
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So glad I found you, someone who shares their real feelings about the daily life of an artist, sharing their joys, doubts, successes, and struggles that come with being an artist. All your work is wonderful and I enjoy your videos on making jewelry. Thank you for being you!
Thank you (Jill?) I appreciate that coming from another artist. I often wonder about sharing – that maybe it’s boring. I think I found you, if so my degree is in sculpture and I see that you studied that also. I also included that same painting by Ingres in my portfolio way back when. Your portraits are wonderful (sorry if I have the wrong gibson) ? Best wishes to you ?
Good to see you up and ready to go!! I don’t know if I suffer from depression. I think I’m more the anxiety kind of gal, cause I did have postpartum depression after my second child and didn’t know it, and felt horrible for a year. It was tough to get up and take care of a 13 month old and a newborn. I do feel depressed when I’m home alone too often. I like going out to work, with lots of people, and then need to run back home to get all of their energies off of me and feel balanced again.
Hey, it works for me. Something different works for each of us.
I’m excited to get back in the jewelry studio this year after about 2 years out of it. My pottery orders ran away with my time and effort, as I sell a lot more pottery than jewelry.
And as a treat to myself, I’m going to take 2 watercolor workshops this year!!! Watercolor is HARD!!! And I know I will never make any money from it, so it is less stressful and a lot of fun without that pressure.
Many many happy wishes to you!! Missed talking to you!
Nancy
Thank you Nancy. I still have a printout of the reading you generously gave to me. I find it every so often when I’m going through papers and it always uplifts me and seems to acknowledge me. Best wishes to you ?
Wishing you a great new year! I always look forward to your tutorials! Thank you.
Thank you Jean. I’ve been thinking of making some more, but have to come up with something that I think might be useful and not just repeating the same things. Best wishes to you. Deborah.
Best for an uplifting 2020. Your plans all sound good…save for that “less wine” part. I suppose you might also be a little busy with a new grandson.
As for your creative talents, I already know they’re prodigious. But I have to tell you, it’s your writing that pleases me the most. Glad to see there may be more pages to come.
Ha! Right now I’ve decided to get all of my scribbles together and try to actually finish something for once ? I just love writing. I love playing around with words and visiting my own little world. It’s my least confident thing to do though so I really do struggle with it. I’m trying to not let thinking that I have to be successful at it get in the way though so I’m hoping that this year I might make a little headway. Best wishes to you Gale ?
I suffered from depression for many years until Aripiprazole was added to my antidepressant. So, I understand how a sofa can be a thing of beauty. Sadness lived in my soul every single day. Now, while I’m not high on life, I don’t find myself in tears every day, at the drop of a hat and I actually find some enjoyment during the day. My wish is that you’ll find a reprieve from the depression in your life. Don’t give up hope!
Happy New Year!
I take meds for bipolar 2 which I actually think is just a catchall for any depression that doesn’t respond to antidepressants alone. It’s been a long time and I wish I’d been treated for it when I was really young. In England though I don’t think depression meds are that well thought of. I don’t like taking medicine and I know a lot of people disagree with them, but for me it’s been the only thing that allows me to feel o.k. and except for the fact that it’s always there, bubbling below, I can at least get on with things and help myself in other ways. I think sharing like this is a good thing. Best wishes to you ?
Being a chronic depressed soul, I get where you come from, where you are and where you may or may not, be heading. My da taught me at a very early age that no amount or number of tablets will ever take the feelings and thoughts away…. I have to like what I see when I look into the mirror. If I don’t, then it is time for a little chat with myself… that way you HAVE to look at yourself, see what is the thorn in your brain poisoning your thoughts, and then pulling on it until it comes out. Don’t let it stay there and rot…. it poisons all the areas of the brain. Only you can give yourself relief, nobody and nothing else can… ONLY YOU. Sometimes I don’t succeed outright, sometimes I do. But I wiggle that thorn until it releases its hold on me…..
And good intentions? Well, my only one this year, is to let go of my fat…. it is time to set it free, to let it fly like the wind, fly with the wind, to loosen the apron strings and telling my fat to go live somewhere else…. let’s see what happens!! ?
I totally agree. Therapy has been really good for me and shown me many ways to help myself. I don’t go now, but I have lots of tools to grow. Undoubtedly you have to find the right therapist and fortunately for me I found one about eight years ago that finally was able to mirror me and help me understand who I was and what I could do to for myself. The medicine help me to be able to use the therapy. One day perhaps I won’t need either although I personally think that therapy gets a bad rap and should be renamed. It’s definitely a good thing to help anyone, not just those people who suffer with depression. Best wishes to you for the New Year ?
Books? You write books? how did I not know this ?!
And, depression tends to mean different things for different people. Until I had a friend sectioned a few years ago, I hadn’t quite appreciated how incredibly debilitating it is for people.
I try to support her as best as I can, but I’m not really very good at it. My aim (again) this year – I also don’t make resolutions – is to try and be less solution based, and try and manage to be more ‘quietly present’ I have no idea if I will manage it, (past experience tells me I won’t) but I’m going to give it another go.
I did a bit of reading as a direct result of her continued illness, and found a few books to be enlightening, in a really easy way to read. Susan Calman’s Cheer Up Love made me much more understanding and Sunnyside Up is filled with things she has done to try and help her manage. She’s never going to win prizes for her prose, but it’s very down to earth, and approachable. I also read some Matt Haigh, which was better written, and again interesting. I know that Susan has audio books, so if you have to resort to the treadmill, you can always do that.
Or, of course, there’s Wille Rushton reading Pooh.
AS always, sending hugs.
Although I love to write I don’t think I will ever let it get out there into the real world lol. I did have a poem published once which greatly amused me ?
why did I think that would be your answer?!! xx
I have had myself parked on this sofa for three weeks, worrying that I may be having a nervous breakdown. I am not sad, I am null, feeling nothing. I normally flit around with lots of maker activity, and certainly need to finish some things. I love your blog, because every one gives me hope. This latest one was so talking to me. I want to say Thank You. Your honesty and vulnerability gives me strength. Tomorrow, I begin getting back to normal. My plan is to clean up, and complete the kitchen cabinet in my living room. I had decided to make my own kitchen. So I taught myself basic carpentry with youtube videos. i surprised myself back when I started, because I went full steam ahead, having no doubt I could build and install cabinets, having never done this before. I have decided that is my true self. Striding forward and learning new things with confidence and joy. I retire in June. When you wrote about launching your life plan, it caused actual emotional recognition in me. You are someone I could see myself hanging out with. Your writing is so important to me. Ok, this is a fan letter.Sorry about the size of the text, I cant figure out how to change it, or maybe I don’t want to take the time to fix it.Anyway, peace and love, and thank you so much for sharing yourself to the world.Linda Howard
Ornamentalist/ Science teacher
Fear is the mind killer.
Linda, I’m so sorry. I only just saw this message.Thank you so much for writing it. I can’t believe that you taught yourself carpentry! I’d love to see the results. I can only think that you’re feeling worse during this pandemic, I know I’m getting a little more down. I really wish you the best of all things. Stay well. Deborah.
You always make me smile when I read your blog. I love it because it’s definitely honest and since I’ve known you for awhile, I know you express your true feelings. Thank you for being who you are and thank you for the wonderful memories. Some day we must catch up with one another – life truly is a blur and time passes quickly – in the blink of an eye some people say and as I get older, that saying seems more true to me. Know that though I don’t get to see you as often as we used to have lunch, you are always a precious friend. May 2020 bring you much joy.
Thanks Julia. Happy New Year to you also. I see that you’ve moved, but perhaps we can catch up soon. D.